Clever Deidara
by chaann
Summary: AU - Deidara just cannot seem to grasp it. Will he be able to keep his future groom though? Based on the fairy tale, "Clever Hans". Sasodei.


"Gramps I'm heading out!"

Narrowing his eyes, Onoki stared at his grandson hard, "And where exactly are you going, Deidara?"

Deidara hummed as he tied his long blond hair into a ponytail atop his head. Looking back at his grandfather he smiled, "I'm off to see my fiancé."

Well.. this was news!

"A fiancé?"

"Yes! Sasori my fiancé."

Onoki narrowed his eyes even more. Yes, he knew that name. That was the boy in the next town over Deidara had been pining over for at least two years now. Never did he think the well mannered and established man would actually fall for his grandsons constant eye fluttering and foolish attempts at courting. He really thought that Sasori had better taste than this, but the redhead was a good man and very well off.

If Deidara could actually land his hand in marriage, things would be very good for the old man! He could finally fully retire and live in utter comfort until he dies. Onoki could only chew his bottom lip in worry. Deidara, his own flesh and blood, was an idiot and was bound to mess something up.

"Deidara, listen to me well..." The old man spoke carefully, ready to use every ounce of his wisdom to help Deidara get to the alter with Sasori at his side.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Take my horse there today. You do want to look your best and your horse is quite unkept. You even left braided flowers in it's mane that are now wilted. Mine is also stronger so you will get there faster to spend more time together."

Deidara smiled and rolled his eyes. Whatever! Together they walked out of the house. There nearby in the back was the stable where the horses were kept. Grabbing his grandfathers' steed, Deidara was off at top speed to see his sweetheart one town over.

Once he got there he had a lovely time with Sasori. The two went on a walk, had lunch and spent time doing nothing but relax in each other's company.

"Hey, Danna?"

Sasori hummed softly as he heard his pet name called. At first it was irritating, but now he saw no harm in it. How the blond grew on him he would never know.  
"What is it?"

"I'm going to miss you, hm."

Sasori's eyes fluttered. Not in a good way either. Rolling on his side he looked at Deidara who was lying on their stomach, staring at him with a small pout. It was such a absurd statement. Sometimes his love could be such a fool.  
"You're going to see me tomorrow you dork. You come by five days a week to do nothing but attach yourself to me."

Oh that's right. So that's how he grew on him. How could Sasori have forgotten.

Deidara looked at his hand which was indeed attached to Sasori and chewed his lip, "Danna..."

Sasori rolled his eyes and sat up. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a thin, long chain and handed it to Deidara.  
"Take this in memory of me then. I don't need it anymore." He said, giving his fiancé's hand a squeeze.

Deidara was of course delighted with the gift. "Thank you Danna! I will treasure it, hm." Before he hopped on his grandfathers horse, he pecked his fiancé on the cheek. "Thank you Sasori Danna; I'll miss you!"

"Just hold the necklace and it will be like I'm with you."

Listening to Sasori's words, Deidara held the necklace tight. Hopped up on the horse and rode off, all the way home at top speed. Gosh this horse was fast! So much fun!

"Wheee!"

Once Deidara got home he was surprised to his Onoki waiting for him. Honestly seriously waiting for him!

"Hey grandpa?" Deidara asked, confused to see the old man actually looking forward to see him rather than the usual treatment he gave his dumb grandson.

"How was it? Was your day with Sasori well?" The old man inquired with great interest.

Deidara smiled wide, put a hand on his hip and rubbed under his nose with his finger, "Hehe! Yeah! In fact, my sweet fiancé gave me a gold necklace that I can hold when I miss him, hm." He signed and dropped his other hand so they were both on his hips, "Speaking of missing him, I miss him..." he hummed bitterly.

Onoki's eyes went wide. An actual gold necklace from someone like Sasori? Such a classy Akasuna move! He knew things were going to get better with this engagement. "Well boy- let's see it!" He yelled, excited to see what was bound to be the beginning of many wonderful gifts.

Deidara nodded and looked in his left hand. Then his right. Then back to his left.

"Well!?" Onoki yelled.

Mouth opening and closing like a fish, Deidara finally spat it out, "Hmm, I must have dropped it."

"Dropped it?" Onoki asked unsure if he heard him right. "Dropped it!?" He then repeated, his heart stopping for a moment as he saw Deidara's blank stare.

Deidara scuffed his shoes in the dirt, "Ah, yeah. Sasori told me to hold it whenever I missed him... and I always miss him so- "

Onoki quickly smacked his boy upside the head, "You fool! The next time Sasori gives you something, _tie it around your neck_!"

"Ah-"

Onoki struck him again on the head, "You will listen to me!"

Holding his head from the pain, Deidara nodded, "O-okay gramps."

The next day with the young couple, the two admired some art together with their hands linked, fingers intertwined. Of course, again they ate lunch together. To Deidara's surprise however, there at the table a box was slid across it.

"For you, Deidara."

Without haste, Deidara opened his gift and smiled wide at what was inside.  
"Oh Danna, it's lovely!"

There inside was without a doubt one of Sasori's handmade marionettes. He was always proud to show off his fine handy work as it was indeed fine work. It was in a style that Deidara had always been fond of- and now it was his? He owned a piece to keep as his own? How wonderful!

"Danna, I love it." Deidara gushed as he looked it over, admiring all the hard work and details, the strings draping in between his fingers carelessly.

"Yes, I thought you would. I- " Sasori froze and watched in horror as Deidara tied the marionette's strings around and around and around his neck. Nice and tight in a very good knot. He could only trembled at his hard work was mangled and tangled in such an odd and distressing manner. "D-Deidara... what the..."

"Oh...this?" Deidara asked as he struggled with his new gift, smiling away while he was at it. As if he were proud. "Well you see, yesterday after you gave me that lovely necklace and I dropped it because I should have put it around my neck. This time I know better."

Furious at the treatment of his gifts, Sasori swatted Deidara's hands away from the knotted mess and himself struggled with the untangling of the marionette that was now stuck around Deidara's neck. "You fool!"

Deidara nodded. He's heard that before. In fact, Sasori sounded just like his grandfather!

The marionette was ruined in the end and their day together was cut short as Sasori stormed off to fix it. Alone.

"How was today?" Onoki asked, looking around Deidara's neck for anything as dismounted the horse.

"Danna was mad..." Dediara gushed.

"Mad?"

"Mad about the necklace, but really mad about the marionette."

Onoki pinched in between his nose, not liking where this was going, "What about Sasori's fine marionettes?"

Deidara teetered on his feet. "Well, he made me a special one, and gave it to me... so I took the strings and tied them around my neck! It got stuck and then broke while we tried to get it off."

Slapped upside the head again, Onoki growled, "You fool! Next time, _hitch the gift to the side of your horse_."

"Ah- "

"Deidara, listen to me!"

The next day Sasori was feeling... a little bit better. Instead of seeing his fiancé for very long, he saw his grandmother instead with a warm smile plastered across her face as she kept the blond company while he visited. Sasori lurked in the back, still sulking as he twirled a red lock of hair around his finger. Soon enough, it was time for Deidara to leave. As he was about the bid his adieu, he was stopped.

"Here Deidara, I heard from one of my friends that your cow fell ill and died." Grandmother Chiyo said as she gestured to a goat, "Hopefully this will help your family at least a little."

Deidara smiled and thanked her profusely. All he could think about what his grandfather though as soon as she said 'family'. Yes. Taking the goat he tried to strap it to the horse, only to his surprise when both animals freaked out. There with a loud noise and many bucks, the little goat met a quick and painful demise as it was trampled to death by the much larger animal.

"Why did you do-" Chiyo couldn't even finish she was so shocked at what had happened.

Sasori saw it as well, "You fool! Why would you try to strap a goat to the side holder of your horse!"

Even Deidara was at a loss for words as he looked down at the poor bloodied goat. He was only doing what his grandfather had told him after all! He could only tear up at the death of the animal, and be held close by Sasori and he mourned its death, apologizing to the Akasuna family as well as the dead animal.

Arriving home, Deidara was greeted by his grandfather whom was already checking the saddle bags for gifts. Instead he found none, only a depressed looking grandchild.

"Nothing?" Onoki asked.

Deidara frowned, "I tried putting the gift in there but the horse trampled it to death..."

Confused, Onoki quirked a brow, "To death?"

"Uh, yeah. Chiyo gave us a goat-"

Onoki gasped in delight as they needed a new livestock, "Really!?"

"But I couldn't get it in the bag fast enough before the horse killed it."

Onoki slapped Deidara upside the head and groaned out loud. "No Deidara!" He scorned. "Next time, _tie a rope around the gift and lead it alongside you_."

"Ah- "

"Deidara, you better listen to me!"

The next day Deidara and Sasori, who was in a better and more laid back mood, ate lunch together in peace. Deidara loved the food so much! Never had he eaten such a delicious piece of meat.

"This ham is delicious, hm!"

Sasori smiled and wiped his lips with his cloth serviette, "Thank You. I can have one sent home with you if you want."

"Really!?"

"Of course."

Ham ready, Deidara too, he took his rope and tied it around the wad of smoked meat. There he dragged it off the table so he could walk it to the horse. Just as his grandfather told him, it would be walked along side him.

Sasori simply stared on, bewildered. What even was this? Why- no what seriously! That ham was ruined now in a just a few seconds of it being with the other male! What in the world was Deidara thinking when he did that? Whatever he was doing, it was quickly attracting some unwanted local wildlife.

Deidara got home and there he saw his grandfather waiting for him anxiously, "Did you...get a gift today?"

"Uh, yeah." Deidara mumbled, scratching behind his head.

"And!?"

"Well, the dogs stole it."

"The dogs?"

"Yeah, when I was leaving Sasori's place, not even a a minute later my ham was stolen by some local stray dogs..." Deidara held up the rope, still tried as if the ham were still there. "Sasori called me a fool... but he still gave me a big kiss goodbye so I guess it's okay. His kisses are plenty sweet."

Onoki fumed and slapped him upside the head.

"Deidara you are a fool!"

"Augh!"

"Next time, _just carry the darn gift_!" Onoki growled.

The next day he was greeted by both Chiyo and Sasori, hugs and all. The three had high tea together and, for Deidara's sake, laughed off the whole ordeal with the goat.

"I thought about it, and Sasori agreed, the goat wasn't a great gift in the first place." Chiyo said, sipping at her beverage.

Deidara looked up from his last bite of cake and swallowed hard, "What the- no way! The gift was great! I'm just so sad that it ended in such a tragic way!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Hm, yes."

Tutting her grandson for his eyeroll, Grandmother Chiyo extended her hand and led Deidara to his horse so he may head home. As they approached the horse, there standing near by was a fine young female calf.

"A gift for you. A better one." Chiyo noted as she pat the small calf on the head.

Deidara was positively delighted at the sweet creature. She was adorable! This was incredible as they would soon have an actual replacement for the cow that they had lost. "Why, she's lovely!"

Chiyo chuckled and pat Deidara's back gently, "Just don't try to strap it onto your horse this time."

Laughing as well, Deidara nodded and approached the calf with wide arms, "I know better now. My grandfather corrected me." And with that, he honestly and truly tried to carry the animal.

"What." Sasori said so deadpan as his fiancé up and carried the animal even though he claimed to have known better. "What are you doing!?"

Deidara started off on his way slowly, struggling with the very unhappy and heavy animal, leading his horse along side him. "I'm... just going... to carry it... home- ah!"

There he dropped the calf and off it went running at high speed. Away. Ways away. So much away that it was just gone. Very gone. Never coming back.

"Whoops..." Deidara said, too embarrassed to look up from his shoes and at the two people behind him. He could just feel their stares burning at his back.

Back at home, once again empty handed, Deidara lowered his head and waited for the hit. Which he got.

"Alright, what happened this time?" Onoki growled, fanning his stinging hand.

Deidara clutched his throbbing head, "Oh you know, they tried to give me a fine female calf and I dropped it and it ran away, hm."

Onoki slapped his own face and groaned, "Why were you carrying it!?"

"You told me to carry it!"

"No Deidara!" Onoki yelled, "Next time, _just put it in a stabled-wagon and bring it home_!"

"Ah."

The next day Deidara surprised Sasori by coming on the sixth day rather than take two days of travel off. It had been such a rough and draining week, he needed to be with the man he loved and was going to marry. Besides, he just felt so bad about either losing or ruining the gifts he had been given! He needed some love and reassurance.

Deidara fawned over Sasori all day, and likewise Sasori fawned back. Well, as much as he could stand to fawn over a complete fool. They kissed tenderly and looked into each others eyes, only for Deidara to sigh heavily.

"What is it?" Sasori asked, brushing a lock of long blond hair from Deidara's face.

Deidara took Sasori's hand and kissed it, "I just feel like such a fool. All those amazing gifts and I somehow managed to mess everything up, hm."

Nodding, Sasori kissed the hand holding his own back. "It's okay Deidara... I _guess_."

Deidara stood up and walked to and fro sighing and waving his arms dramatically, "I just miss you when you're not around! I miss you all the time! I think I might go crazy not having you by my side! I want you, hm!"

Sasori narrowed his eyes and scratched his warming cheek. "Well then... why don't you _have_ me?"

Shocked, Deidara turned to his fiancé and shivered at the words that tickled his spine and coiled in his stomach. He knew exactly what Sasori meant. Taking Sasori's hand he led him to his horse... and instead of putting him onto it to go for a ride together to somewhere more secluded... he led his fiancé to the stable-wagon he brought with him this time and actually put him in there.

"Wait. What?"

The wooden door slammed shut and Deidara hopped on his horse, not hearing Sasori's cries of distress, all the way to the secluded area. Once Deidara got there, he excitedly went to get Sasori out of the wooden boxed wagon and-

"You look mad, hm." Deidara took note at the sight of the filthy male who appeared to have fallen during the ride to the make-love spot.

"I am mad." Sasori spoke with clenched teeth as he dusted hay, dirt and what once could only assume was dried feces off his expensive clothing.

"Ah..." Deidara said sadly, knowing very well he now wasn't going to get _any_ today now.

He'd really need to make it up to Sasori... perhaps he'd visit the redhead on the seventh day! A true surprise.

Once Deidara got home, he told his grandfather what had happened, got smacked upside the head and was sat down.

"Deidara, Deidra listen. Listen closely." Onoki started, sitting cross from his grandson.

"Ah-"

"No. Listen."

Deidara zipped his lips.

"Deidara, in a moment like that, you should control you primal urges first. You two aren't even married... yet."

"Ah-"

"No. Listen."

Deidara zipped his lips again.

" _You should only be casting your adoring eyes at him_." Onoki spoke very carefully. "A loving look speaks more than words or actions."

Nodding vigorously, Deidara jumped up quickly with a wide smile, "I get it now!"

Onoki joined him, "You do!?"

"Yes! Now if you will excuse me, I just need to prepare my adoring eyes." Deidara said, before running off to the back of the house to practice.

Onoki put his hands on his hips and sighed, " _Finally_ he gets it."

While around in the back of the house, Deidara ran into the stable and eyed up their families livestock, kneeled before them and stared at them eye to eye, "Perfect..."

The next day Deidara left very early, before his grandfather woke. He raced quickly to to his fiancé's home. When he got there, he was out of breath as he had ran all the way there, one whole town over by foot.

Sasori was shocked to say the least. Seven days of Deidara was shocking enough on it's own, and now he was actually running all the way to him? What in the world was going on?

"Danna! All week you have been giving me such sweet gifts, yet I have been a huge fool."

Sasori gave a long, slow blink, "Tell me about it."

Deidara tutted his future husband and removed his backpack, "This time, _I_ have something for _you_ , hm!

Shocked and rather touched, Sasori gave a lopsided smile, "You really didn't need to..."

"No no!" Deidara yelled, "I want to!"

Sasori pressed a hand to a warming cheek and bit the inside of it, "Well alright then."

"Close your eyes..."

Sasori closed his eyes.

"Now open them!"

Sasori opened his eyes and his mouth as he smiled wider in anticipation. Suddenly he was hit with something wet and slimy.

" _I love you_!"

Again he was hit with something wet and slimy, but this time he was able to catch it; and gasp in horror.

"Is this and eyeball!?" Looking up, Sasori paled as he was hit again with another eye, shrieking this time. Again and again with the eyes he was pummeled.

"I love you, I love _you_!" Deidara yelled as he reached into his jar, whipping more and more animal eyes at his fiancé. " _Love_ , love _I love you_!"

Sasori shielded himself and yelled, "Ew! Agh! Deidara stop!"

"I loooove you!" Deidara roared, not stopping.

"Deidara, _stop_!"

Deidara finally stopped throwing the animal parts and looked on at Sasori with a wide smile, out of breath panting "What?"

" _What_? What! What in the world are you doing!?" Sasori shrieked in anger.

Deidara frowned and quirked his head as he was thoroughly confused, "I'm 'casting adoring eyes' at you."

Sasori's jaw dropped, and his face crinkled back into disgust, but this time not at the fact he was having actual EYES thrown at him. He was disgusted by the blonds sheer stupidity. Oh how he was done with this.

It was late in the evening when Deidara got home to his grandfather Onoki. Instead of having his horse or running back, his feet dragged on; each drag letting out a noise that just cried sadness. Plus his sniffling didn't help as he sucked back tears.

A distressed Onoki who of course was there to greet his grandson was shocked at the sight, had the boy seen the stable too? "Deidara! Oh Deidara, what's wrong? Did you see it too?"

"He didn't like it, hm."

"What?" Onoki asked, looking for a better response.

Deidara sniffled hard and lowered his bag off his shoulders. Taking it out, he showed his grandfather his jar of eyes that Sasori didn't want and sucked back a sob, "He didn't want my adoring eyes."

Onoki was speechless as he stared at the jar of animal eyes. That would explain why all their livestock were missing their eyes since it was now known Deidara had gouged them all out. Deidara had been the one behind that catastrophe.

"Danna- Oh uh, Sasori cancelled our engagement." Deidara said sadly putting the jar down and slumping down the front door.

"What... did you do with those eyes exactly?" Onoki said, truly scared to ask as he couldn't imagine his grandson being the one to do that to the animals in the first place.

Deidara pouted, "I did exactly a you said! I cast them at him in an adoring way, hm!"

"...how."

Deidara reached into the jar and threw an eye, screaming his love for Sasori. He looked at his grandpa and jut his lip out even further, "He said it was disgusting and that I was the most stupid man he had ever met. He then said the engagement was over and not to see him anymore."

Onoki slowly fell to his knees as he heard how his grandson lost his fiancé and how his grandson lost his own retirement plan...and livestock. And in such a stupid way nonetheless.

"Deidara..." Onoki said as he stood back up.

"Yes?"

"You are an idiot." he said casting his finger down on Deidara, "And that's why you lost your groom."

* * *

based on the fairytale "clever hans". i changed a few gifts, but yeah, it's honestly this stupid of a story. ByE lOseRs!


End file.
